my perfect times….

I wanted to write something today.. but once again it has taken til now (11.30pm) to get the alone time i need to do so.   And of course, i’ve been up since 6am and am tired now and not thinking clearly for tiredness.

Something my friend @simplydee posted on ‘Twitter’  got me thinking, i mean, really thinking…  it was this:

“i want to go back to when it used to be…. perfect.”

My first thought was.. ‘yeah, me too!’    But then i started tracing backwards through my life, searching for when that ‘used to be perfect’ time was, for me…  and i couldn’t find it!   

No matter how much i think back, never was there a ‘perfect’ time.    So i’m thinking, wondering, is there any such thing as ‘perfect’ in life?    Certainly there is great happiness at times, but inevitably it doesn’t last, nothing does… that’s the thing you see, the crux of the problem of perfection!     And surely if it did last, it would paradoxically then become its own nemesis?    

My perfect times have all been illusions, delusions, collusions and confusions! 

My perfect times were not real.

The other contradictory way my thoughts are leading me are that perhaps ALL my life has indeed been perfect!

Perfectly what i have induced, karmically manifested perfection?     It’s sounds like a crock, but on a deeper level, could it be true?   Should i stop fighting it, and accept, even be grateful, for all the experiences in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly?    

… can’t think straight anymore, too tired, but i will looking deeply within for my perfect times, even as i sleep.

Thank you Dee, for letting me quote you, and for provoking my thoughts!

It felt good, to be honest…

I’m trying to convince myself i am in the process of turning a corner in my life. 

Maybe the universe aligned in my favour for a while, or maybe i aligned myself with the universe instead?

Regardless, the last 2 days in my life, of my life, have been good days.

I am proud of myself today.  

Today we went to the park for a ’Christmas’ picnic with G’s family.   The original plans that were made for the day, changed (not my doing) at the last minute.. but to cut a long story short.. it was as if everything just ‘fell’ into place to create a really wonderful day!

I am proud of myself because i handled something really well today..  It was just a comment one of G’s sisters made to me:  “you should get Skype at your place” !    I answered truthfully, but without being bitchy or too venemous: “No, Skype is banned at our house because G.  has used it for doing ’bad things’ in the past.”   They (his 2 sisters) looked shocked!  So i said: ” I’ll leave it at that, but it’s ok, it was in the bad old days.”  They looked relieved to drop the subject!    I feel satisfied because i have let them know, perhaps the smallest inkling, that G. has done very hurtful things to me, that he is not the ‘victim’ of me ( which is something i’ve felt they have thought )~  but i have let them know in a way that wasn’t threatening their loyalty to G. and without being too specific as to make them feel really uncomfortable or awkward.    It felt good, to be honest!

That was just a fleeting minute of the day.  The rest of it was relaxed, happy, peaceful.

I feel that if i could put the past where it belongs..  if i could trust G. again.. We would have a really good chance at being happy.

I am trying… 

But honesty requires me to say this:  From the depth of my soul i know i will never trust him again no matter how much i want to.    From the depth of my soul i know that the past is in the past but the consequences of it are in the present and therefore the future.    A soul that has been that badly burned, can never heal, at best it will leave a scar.  Wounds cannot fully heal if they are constantly being aggravated.

Perhaps i can make it around this corner and into a brighter future, but is it going to further damage the wounds of my soul by suppressing the truth?

just i

This is something i wrote earlier tonight.     I wasn’t sure if i wanted to post it or not, mainly because simply by writing it down, and letting some hours go by, I don’t feel the intensity of it right now.   But, I know it’s there, just beneath the surface.  It’s nothing new.  In fact, all too familiar.   And I’m leaving certain parts unsaid, as it were, because some things are just better left that way. 

~ “It seems so wrong to be feeling this way when there are millions of people in the world with an immense will to live, striving for life despite the most terrible of circumstances.   I despise myself for the way I feel…. struggling to find the will.

Why does this always happen, just when i think we have reached a state of equilibrium, a kind of status quo?  (Perhaps it is partly because we are coming to the end of the confluence age?)

I can’t have a reasonable discussion with him when he is like … that.   He flies into a temper, becomes illogical, intimidating, scary.   In response i back down .. and away..  to calm the situation, keep a lid on it, especially when the kids are at home too.

Tonight I had to go outside for a while.  I sat and took in the space, the calmness, the freshness, the peace.   And i willed myself not to let the tears escape from my eyes.    But it wasn’t enough…”~

Here’s an afterthought, something that just struck me while i was doing a spell check.. (because i hate mistakes!)…   Why must the word ‘i’ always be written in uppercase?     G. always writes it like that and it irks me…    It must be one of the few ‘correct’ ways of writing that i detest.   It strikes me that perhaps it is favoured by people with an inflated opinion of themselves, egocentrics?   I much prefer to remain just i.

many words in one picture…

 Morning Glory:

They may be considered a weed and a menace, but they are a fantastic colour, and beautiful flower despite the discrimination!

Protected: Tiger…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: blendend family Christmas joy?

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: thanks for the reminders nova…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

spot the tautological…. ? ….

*sighing* with frustration tonight.  

thanks in complete totality to the two men who feature in my life!

i’m so mad i feel like saying fuck, fuck, fuckity, fucker, fuck, fuck!   But of course i wont, because that’d be pedestrian and vulgar.

instead i’ll say words like this:  selfish, thoughtless, lazy, delusional, fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuckers!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I tried to have a discussion with my ex. about our kids.   As soon as i began i knew it was going to end badly.  He always sends our conversations around in circles.   We end up back where we started and i’m left wondering why i bother to  1. keep him informed and  2. have the slightest expectation.. of anything at all. 

I think the best thing i can do is everything!   Because apparently doing 95% is not enough.  Enough said!

As for G. … well ditto that 95% there too, because he has other priorities that come way above us on his list of places to be and things to do.

What’s the fucking point of having expectations, hopes, needs, wants, please could you’s?

here endeth the diatribe complete with its inconsistent use of capital letters!

of multi-tasking and thinking….

I was supposed to be writing a blog post tonight, but i got caught up helping the kids with their homework, while watching t.v. while quietly ‘tweeting’. 

Now, if that’s not multi-tasking what is?!

G. will be on holiday for two weeks soon, which means i may not have the time i’d like to have to write stuff down, here or there or that other place way in the distance!  

It means i’ll have to do what i always end up doing anyway, because to be perfectly honest, i rarely have the time alone i need to be able to write.   Which is why most of the time my writing is done late at night.   Which, in turn, may explain why it often is an insight to the rambling, raving, emotional, twisted, beleaguered workings of my mind!

Oh.. and what i always end up doing is writing in my mind!  It’s where i write my best stuff. 

I think, because i don’t have to stop and think!

peace, calm, light and warmth…

Sometimes life just doesn’t agree with me.

There is a place, which is really a state of mind, so dark and foul that, by its very nature, seems to consume your soul.

I visited that place today.  It wasn’t by choice.  I was sent spiralling there at warp speed by nothing more than a little ‘mistake’, a lie.  

What a Pandora’s box can be opened by deception and lies!

Is it so difficult to understand?  Over and over again i have answered the same question… “what is it that you want from me?”   Always i have the same answer… “the truth”.    The simple truth.   No deception.  No lies.  Why is honesty so difficult?  I don’t wrestle with it.  I have no reason to fear it.  I have nothing to hide.  Is it really asking too much to expect honesty in return?

I didn’t choose to be in such a torturous place, but i did choose not to accept it and i did choose not to stay there.

The first step out of it was to go and sit outside in the sunshine and just absorb the light and the heat and the calm.

There were plenty of steps to follow, too many to mention, before a kind of resolution was found and i was able to begin to feel better.

But i did… and i do, feel better!   I need to remind myself of that because when your soul is being eaten alive you tend to forget there is a way out, it will pass, there will be light and peace and calm once again.  

Not happiness yet…..

Happiness is something i remember from my past, something i have forgotten in my present, and something a dream of for my future.

For now i am more than content with peace, calm, light and warmth.