That’s what’s wrong!

He’s texting me from work.. ‘what’s wrong?’    Here’s what’s wrong:  I don’t want to have a long-winded text conversation with you!  If you really want to talk with me, call!    Has everyone forgotten what phone’s are for in the first place?

I’m hot, hurting, tired, stressed, and surprisingly grumpy!  That’s what’s wrong.

You have no idea what i feel, no idea what i think, no idea what i need!  That’s what’s wrong.

I am going to make it without you with you!   Ha!   Figure that one out.  

On reflection, i am already ’making it’, but i can do better still!

I just have to figure out how to make the past stop haunting me, plaguing me, killing me.

Ok, here’s what’s wrong…    Tonight i watched that tv show “Lie to Me”.     All it did was serve as a trigger to my memory of all the times you lied to me!   

You remember…  how you swore on the lives of your children and all those you loved as you told me lies!    How you looked me in the eye (a little too determined) and told me more lies.    How you would forget what you had told me one day, then tell me something different another!   How you concocted elaborate scenario’s and related conversations to me that were just more lies.    How you couldn’t look me in the eye for shame when i learned some of the truths about you.     How you cried like a broken man and told me so adamantly how you would never do anything to hurt me again, even as you were doing just that!   

It’s a never-ending list…  it goes on and on forever, because from the day we met you were a lie.    And the problem now is,  i can never know for sure if you still are?

That’s what’s wrong.

But i just texted you “nothing”!   nothing’s wrong is easier to say.   nothing’s wrong leaves me alone.   nothing’s wrong lets me fight the battles in my own head.   nothing’s wrong is me lying to myself!

 THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!

 

eternally collapsing objects…

In the end everything is just a big hypocrisy, a paradox and a larger version of a musical stage production which spirals endlessly into itself!

Perhaps one day the magnetic force of our combined universal ego’s will suck us all in a ’star’ like fashion, into a giant vortex and we’ll all disappear in a self-created black hole, leaving nix but a tremendous nebula scattered with the dust of our collective, spectacular nothingness!

Well,  there’s always hope isn’t there?

 

I’ve been waiting until i had time to write.  There’s been so much i have wanted needed to say.  It’s been so frustrating not being able to write when the urge takes me, and now, when i have the time, i seem to have lost the desire! 

My doctor called me this week, to inform me that it will be at least 18 months before i even get a consultation with a surgeon in regards to the broken wires in my knee that need to come out.   She ’suggested’ that my best option was to front up in the emergency department of the hospital with my x-rays, and feign an ‘emergency’ situation!   You know the health system is in crisis when your own GP is recommending subterfuge.  

Meanwhile, my next appointment to see the neurosurgeon, in regards to the spinal surgery i supposedly ‘have to have’.. is in January.   I’d say it was all a fecking joke really, if it wasn’t so damn painful in the meantime!   

Really, i think the lesson is not to rely on anyone for help, but to take matters into my own hands and do whatever it takes to improve my situation, for myself, and by myself, with the support of my family, who see the struggle and feel the impact every day in the various ways its ripple effect’s reach them.

On a brighter note..  I took 2yr old L.B. to see a musical stage production this week.   I was a bit worried it might be on a bit late at night for her, but i delayed her morning sleep until the afternoon, woke her up in time to have some dinner, and then off we went!   She LOVED it!   She was completely taken over by the music and was dancing in the aisles for an entire hour and a half… much to the amusement of the other audience members sitting anywhere near us!   She was exhausted by the time we got home, but in a happy way!  I have just never seen a child so totally consumed in the music/dance vibe before.  It was amazing.

We had some other bad stuff happen this week also, but i’m not in the mood to write about that.  It’s just too daunting when i do.  There’s lots of good to be found when i sharpen my focus, so that’s what i try and concentrate on. 

 

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of beds and bedlam…

Bought a new bed yesterday.  Sleeping on it tonight.  Thought i’d have it all to myself but miss 2yr old is in it already!  She’s been unwell today and at 10.30pm i brought her in to bed with me where i can keep a closed closer eye on her and she can feel that little bit more spoilt, as she well should!

I’m hoping the new bed will see a huge improvement in my sore back..  and i think so because a few nights ago i got so fed up trying to get comfortable and out of pain in the old bed, aka the sponge cake, that i got out of it in the middle of the night and slept in one of the kids beds instead.. (as it was unoccupied that night).   In the morning it was incredible how much less pain i had just from that one night!  Hence the urgent purchase of this much needed new and wonderful bed!

In contrast to this long weekend of laziness and boredom, i have a crazy rest of the week coming up.   I have no idea how i am going to achieve all i need to and not just lie down in the midst of the chaos and die!  I can’t see that i have any choice but to take one step at a time, do what i need to do, be where i need to be, and hope i don’t need to book us all in with C. for counselling afterwards!   It’s going to be hellish for me, and the kids too, because they have no choice but to be taken along for the ride!   The only one who is going to sail through it all unscathed, as always, is … well, you know who!

issues, schedules, hospitals, visits and Grrrrrrrrrr!

I haven’t had much of a chance to get online this week, just little snippets here and there…  so many times i have thought to myself i need to write about this or that, but i’ve just had no time to do it. 

‘Thinking about it, it’s really been a massive week..  lots of issues were raised for me in regards to G. and me, or more specifically how i’m dealing with the information and fluctuating, conflicting feelings i have for him.     

Lots happening in the lives and schedules of all 3 of my children, not forgetting G’s other 2 children either, whose lives and schedules necessarily have a large impact on all of us.

The stress of waiting to hear from not one, but two (different) hospitals and surgeons in regards to my impending and unavoidable knee surgery, and of course, my spinal surgery which as far as i’m concerned right now is not going to happen!   Being a public hospital patient, i have no clue as to when i might get the calls, and no choice but to drop everything and go when the do call, or be put waaaaaaaay back down on the waiting list.. !

I’ve had a dream visit from Sai Baba, which unless you know the significance of already, i’m not going to even try and explain!  Just that it was very auspicious for me in many ways, and brought one very clear message with it, though i need to meditate on it further to fully further understand and appreciate it.

I’ve been really enjoying the warmer weather and revelling in the opportunity to enjoy being outdoors more.. though the flip side is how it highlights my physical inadequacies (thanks to a stuffed knee and back) which does tend to make me feel frustrated, sometimes angry or grumpy, and often depressed… (with myself).    Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

one year later…

4 days ago (20th Oct 2009) my blog was one year old.   HAPPY BLOGSDAY stormyriver.wordpress.com!

playground bullies…

I spoke up at the playground today.    A little girl, must have been only 3 or 4, was following my 2yr old around the playground and sabotaging her efforts at playing.   I was a bit nice about it at first, suggesting she share the equipment, take turns, maybe even look after the children that were smaller than she was and help them…    But my ‘nice’ wore off just as quickly as that girls obnoxious behaviour wore thin.   

It’s not her fault.  Her mother was sitting nearby, keeping her head down even though she could not have been unaware of what was going on!  My voice wasn’t exactly soft!  

Sadly, all that little girl really wanted was to be acknowledged and praised.  She wanted some attention and was going about it in a negative way.  

There sure are some stupid parents out there.  Spend some time with your kids at the playground and help them to learn what is acceptable, sociable behaviour!   It’s not that freaking difficult when they’re 3.   But you sure as hell are going to know about it when they are 13!

anti-sanity, discipline and kids…

I went to a meeting last night.  Wasn’t looking forward to it, but i felt it was important that i be there.  Just getting out on my own at night is a challenge in itself!  I had to ask G. if he’d take a night off work to stay home with the kids, which he was happy to do even though it meant getting a doctor’s certificate, and worse still, meant he had to miss his son’s school performance as well.  

The meeting turned out to be  productive and informative, and not at all as painful as i was expecting it to be, although there were two things that got me stirred up, requiring me to exert quite a formidable effort to tactfully keep my mouth shut and let it slide.. .. .. which i successfully did, by some miracle, thankfully! 

Being amongst groups of people still causes me a tiring amount of mental dialogue in order to maintain some sort of sanity amongst the anti-sane! 

I’ve had a lot to think about this week.   Lots going on in the life of my kids requiring much (more than usual) attention, thought and care.   Also trying to organize some time for myself to get some x-rays etc taken care of (pushed to the back-burner for now).   Every other direction i go in there seem to be a multitude of ‘things’ calling out to me.  What happened?  How’d things go from medium to extra hot in the spacing of a sneeze?  

A question:

1.  one of the mum’s(i just met for the first time) at playgroup was telling me about how she disciplines her children, aged about 3 and 4.   She said they were dealing with the issues of ’stealing’ and of ‘lying’ at the moment, and had tried smacking the kids but it hadn’t worked, and were going to try Tabasco sauce in their mouth if the behaviour continued!  

I couldn’t believe what i was hearing.   In my opinion 3 and 4 yr olds sneaking mum’s biscuits is not ’stealing’ and denying they did it (probably out of fear!) does not make them liars.    I believe that sort of thinking is born out of ignorance and conditioning, and is quite worrying.   Not to mention the smacking and Tabasco sauce torture!

Should i have said anything?   I didn’t and i feel bad about it now.  And if i should have, what???

reality bites…

So, now that i have blogged a little bit about what a good dad he is, perhaps you can understand a little bit more the dilemma i am in?

I’ve already seen the pain a separation causes for the children in a relationship, when my ex and i broke up after 12 years.  I never want to see that look of pain on any of my children’s faces again.   

I have invested every penny i had into this house and every atom of my being into making this relationship work, against all the odds.   Everyday i fear disaster, either financial, physical or emotional, or all three.    If we fail financially i believe it will destroy our relationship as well, and if we fail in our relationship it will destroy us financially.  It is all tied up in one potentially catastrophic bundle!

It’s a horrible stress to live with, and when he does something stupid, like recklessly and needlessly spending substantial amounts of money we don’t have, putting us into overdraft,  i get angry, overwhelmed with the stupidity of it!  How is it justified when we don’t even have enough in the bank for a weeks worth of food shopping? 

Times like this i just want to be rid of him!  I know it sound harsh, but there are just so many negatives that they tip the scales dangerously.  I often imagine what our lives would be like living without him.   Either way, with or without, there are benefits.   To be honest the biggest plus to me, of living without him, would be being able to let go of the past and be free.  I crave that so often.  

But there is so much to consider, and taking a child from her dad is by no means the least of it.

of playgrounds and dads… vaccinations and vegetarians…

Took L.B. to an indoor playground today.  Usually avoid them, but it was so wet outside and she so needed to get out someplace and have fun, so off we went. 

She loved it!   We spent an hour and a half there and she didn’t stop for a breath!  Actually i’m not sure who had the most fun, her or her dad!  He held back for the first half but couldn’t help himself and ended up jumping around on the jumping castle with her amongst other things.   He must have taken her down the giant slide at least a dozen times, and more often than not he was helping other people’s children too!   It’s amazing how many parents let their little kids run amok at those places, often getting themselves into situations where they need help but have no parent in sight! 

Anyway, G. had a fantastic time playing with L.B. and i have to say that he really is a great dad.  I think it’s his best quality actually.  It really brings out the best there is in him.   Tho at times he is a little misguided, his intentions are always the very best and i can only think of 2 areas where i’d criticize his parenting .. one being his conditioned methods of discipline, rather than informed methods, tho he is open and willing and supportive of alternatives if and when they are pointed out to him and we discuss them.  The other is that when he loses his temper he gets loud and intimidating to a point that scares all of us, and he yells at me in front of L.B. which i think is very, very not ok! 

Not sure i should have mentioned those things, this is supposed to be a positive blog post!
Ummm…. better note some more of his positive parenting skills!..   he changes nappies, gets up in the night when she cries out, spends time playing silly games with her, takes her to the park when he can, cuddles her lots and lets her use him as a climbing frame!  Ok, so he lets her eat too many biscuits and makes me grumble, and he isn’t as aware as i’d like him to be about what she is seeing on the T.V.  But he loves her and she loves him back about a million miles!  (Tho i have a secret and warm little smile upon my soul because it’s only me she has said ‘i love you’ to, as yet!)   I’m allowed to,  it’s a mum thing!

I mustn’t forget to mention two important issues that G. supports me on in regards to L.B., even though he doesn’t ‘agree’ with them.  He says he understands they are very important to me, and acknowledges that he is not ‘informed’ on either subject, even though i have encouraged him to be!   Again, it comes to down to making informed choices rather than just doing things the way we have been ‘conditioned’ to.     The two issues are 1. vaccination and 2. being vegetarian.    

It was interesting to watch L.B. and the other children and how they all interact (or not) with each other.  One little boy about the same age as L.B. (2) pushed her in the chest a couple of times ~ she stood her ground for a moment to digest what had just happened (for no perceivable reason), and then pushed him back!   I had a quiet smile at that!   She didn’t get upset (nor did he), but wasn’t going to be pushed around either!    They ended up playing together later on with no probs.   That’s the fickle nature of 2yr old’s for you!   Ít’s great! 

After an hour and a half it was time to go.   L.B. cried   didn’t want to leave…  but was sooooo ready to sleep at the same time.     And i was ready to get away from the smell of vomit which was slowly permeating the air, thanks to a 3yr old who had obviously had too much food and too much fun.   Very classy places these indoor playgrounds!